I Just can't Write
by Ricachan
Summary: This is a classic writer's block fic....


I Just Can't Write (1st version)  
  
Dedicated to Kelli. Happy birthday, sweetie!  
  
By Rica (Cloa)  
  
Warning: I was writing this when I was sick, so please don't judge too harshly. There is another version (longer) but it has a bigger plot and more characters. And, well, we all know that I don't own the characters. Those lucky lucky lucky people do, and I am not one of them. (Damn.) There's nothing really bad here, except for some character bashing. (It's what I do best! ^_^) Enjoy.  
  
Author: Ok, I've decided to write another fic.  
  
WuFei: For the love of GOD!! (WuFei shivered in fear, finding a hiding place to where the evil author couldn't find him.)  
  
Author: Um…WuFei. What are you doing in the cabinet?  
  
WuFei: I'm hiding from your insolence, you weak woman! I don't ever want to be in one of your fics again.  
  
Quatre: He's just sore from your last fic. (Quatre said, eyeing the Chinese pilot from the couch.)  
  
Author: What? What the heck did I do wrong this time? (I said scratching my head.)  
  
Duo: Remember when you had a flock of crazed third graders on bikes repeatedly run over WuFei? That could have caused him to be paranoid! (Duo chuckled)  
  
Heero: Or maybe when you had that innocent looking old lady come out from isle 7 suddenly for no apparent reason and beat WuFei with a bowling ball. (Referring to grocery shopping fic.)  
  
Trowa: ……(silence)……  
  
Author: What did he say?  
  
Quatre: Trowa said that also WuFei somehow always ends up naked and in an embarrassing position in a public viewing place in every fic you have ever written.  
  
Trowa: (Grinning) …………  
  
Quatre: He says he likes your style.  
  
Both Author and Duo: (Wide eyed) Oh…ok…  
  
Author: (grinning evilly) Oh…you know you're right. I always seem to abuse WuFei in more ways then one, in my fics. (I said considering it.) Well, beyond that (I say with no concern in WuFei's part), does anybody else have complaints on how I write?  
  
Heero: As long as Relena isn't in ANY of your fics…I'll survive. (Heero said, almost in fear)  
  
Author: Hey! Relena's a really cool person…except when she's obsessing over you, and the whole screaming your name is kinda weird. And she has this annoying habit to get in the middle of things that aren't her business, and she's kinda scary when you think about it…but other then that…she's…um… really nice. (Saying this a little less assertive…)  
  
Heero: …You don't see what she's like when you're not around…  
  
Duo: Yeah, that's true. She always seems to somehow get through this apartment's security and just somehow manages to crawl into your bed, Heero.  
  
Author: (Watching Quatre spit out his tea in shock,) Um…Heero…  
  
Heero: (Giving death glare) What are you talking about. (He said rhetorically to Duo)  
  
Duo: Remember, that night at the bar, and you… (Duo was suddenly punched in the side, as he fell to the ground. I could have sworn he has laughing and crying at the same time…)  
  
Heero: Omae o kerosu…  
  
Quatre: um…is this fighting really necessary? (Quatre said, a little stressed.)  
  
Author: WuFei, you can come out now…  
  
WuFei: (Squeezing a teddy bear, and mumbling like a little three year old) NO!! I don't wanna!  
  
Author: What's wrong with him?  
  
Trowa:………  
  
Quatre: Trowa says paranoia will do that to a person.  
  
(Author (me) Quatre and Trowa all look back to see WuFei rocking back and forth with the look of up most terror in his eyes as he clutches the little bear in his arms mumbling over and over in a paranoid way)  
  
WuFei: I'm a good little boy, I'm a good little boy, I'm a good little boy…  
  
Author: Poor poor misguided WuFei…  
  
(I look back to Duo and Heero, who look as if they are about to get into another fight.)  
  
Heero: There is absolutely no good reason for me and Relena to…  
  
Duo: ...make love like a bunch of wild monkeys?  
  
Author: Hey you two, control your selves! Now, back to my fic idea…  
  
Trowa: ……?  
  
Quatre: Trowa wants to know if it will be a lemony fic.  
  
Author: Um…no!  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Quatre: He was mumbling a…um…profane word…  
  
Author: How do you do that? How do know what he says?  
  
(Before I could get a response from the Arabian, a lamp came flying my way. Ducking it, I looked over to see Heero and Duo still arguing. Now, they had gone to throwing objects at each other.) SIGH!!!  
  
Quatre: I just don't see why every one hates Relena.  
  
Trowa: …  
  
Quatre: Well, that's true.  
  
Author, Duo, and Heero say at the same time: What?  
  
Quatre: Oh, Trowa says some one as suicidal like that is bound to scare off people.  
  
Duo: Hey! You and Relena have something in common after all, Heero!  
  
Heero: You die, Maxwell! (They start swinging punches at each other, while everyone just stares.)  
  
Quatre: um…we shouldn't be fighting guys…(sweat drop)  
  
Author: Sigh… are they always like this?  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Quatre: He says nah. Duo and Heero strangely get along most of the time. I think Heero's just a little jealous today, because Relena gave Duo a call, rather Heero.  
  
Author: He said all of that?  
  
Quatre: Yep.  
  
Author: I would have never had guessed. Anyways, what was Relena doing calling Duo?  
  
Quatre: Probably to get Heero angry. Although, I think Heero's just angry that she thinks he * would*get angry. But what do I know? They're still fighting…  
  
Duo: Nice try, Spandex boy!  
  
Heero: Baka!  
  
Quatre: hey, isn't that Heero's bear that WuFei is holding? (He said looking at WuFei)  
  
WuFei: I'm a good little boy, I'm a good little boy, I'm a good little boy…  
  
Author: Hm? Heero has a bear?  
  
Quatre: Speaking of stuffed bears, have you seen mine, Trowa?  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Quatre: Why would it be with yours and Duo's?  
  
Author: What is it with you pilots and teddy bears?  
  
(Everyone suddenly gives her the death stare, even Quatre, that they had adopted from Heero. Even Heero and Duo had stopped their fight to protest. Only WuFei, still mumbling some paranoid phrase, hadn't stopped his ritual.)  
  
Duo: Got somethin against bears, missy?  
  
Author: No! Gee! Sorry I asked! (Heero suddenly gave a good punch to Duo's face. Duo had his hand clinging to his cheek.  
  
Heero: That was for Endless Waltz.  
  
Duo: Oh yeah! How'd you like it in the stomach?!  
  
Author: Ok, that's it! (Author said pushing Duo and Heero apart.) You two control your selves. And you…(she said to Quatre and Trowa) You… um…stop doing that weird thing… you're…um… doing. And WuFei…you…  
  
WuFei: I'm a good little boy, I'm a good little boy  
  
Author: …you just keep doing that. Ok! Back to what I was saying. Since WuFei is…well…  
  
WuFei: I'm a good little boy, I'm a…  
  
Author:…paralyzed, I'll just have to scratch out my other idea, and make up a new one. Ok, Heero and Duo. You two are going to be madly in love with each other, and…  
  
Duo: I'm too angry to be "in love" with him.  
  
Heero: Ditto.  
  
Author: I'm the author here! You do what I say! When I say dance, you do the mambo! When I say you two are going to be fruity, you two better go out there and be as gay as humanly possible. Is that understood!?  
  
Both Duo and Heero (who both do fear the me) nodded.  
  
Author: Good, now…oh wait a second. I have an even better idea. You two are going to be straight for this one.  
  
Heero: No Relena. I'd rather screw duo's brains out then kiss her.  
  
Duo: Really?!  
  
Heero:…Don't get any ideas…  
  
Duo: Damn!  
  
Heero:….  
  
Duo: (Laughing) I was just kidding, Hee-chan!  
  
Author: All right, because I love you so much, no Relena. (Wink)  
  
Heero: Appreciated.  
  
Duo: So what's your idea, Cloa-Chan?  
  
Author: (a slow grin suddenly appears on my face) Like I said, Duo and Heero, I'll need you two.  
  
* * *  
  
Once upon a time, there was a magic land, called um…the um…place…um…well it didn't have a name. It was just…well...there! (Heh, I'm never good at details.) It was filled with bunnies, deer, music, (Duo: Exploding pineapples…) exploding pineapples…exploding pineapples?!  
  
Duo: Yeah! Exploding pineapples.  
  
Ok, sure. Exploding pineapples. (Sweat drops) It was also known for its (…condoms…) DUO!!! (Laughing)  
  
ANYWAYS!!! It wasn't known for * that * but, in fact, it was known for its (Heero: Endless supplies of guns.)  
  
Umm…no! It was known for its abusive laws, which were made behind the king's back. The poor king did not realize that a man named Heero Yuy was making the laws himself. (Heero: What?) That's right, Heero you're a bad guy. Anyhow, the king's name was WuFei. Duo: Hey, I thought I was the star of this fic!  
  
Calm down. You'll get your turn! Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah, well anyways…the king was very wise indeed. He was known for his wise words. Um…king…say something!  
  
WuFei: I'm a good little boy, I'm a good little boy, I'm a good little boy…  
  
Um…actually the king was mute. (King suddenly shuts up.) And, his royal…um…vice president…yeah, his vice president who could understand anybody spoke for him. Quatre: Oh…that would be me! Yes, um…the king decrees that only the bravest man can wed his daughter. Um…Cloa? Who would be his daughter?  
  
Oh, well…let's see. I promised Heero no Relena, so…hey! I have a good idea! (Glancing at Duo with evil eyes!)  
  
Duo:…No! No no no no no no! I'm not doing it…hey!!! (Duo suddenly sees a pink dress on him, and his braid is suddenly loose.) Get this off me!  
  
Sorry, pal. We need a princess, and guess who you get to be! Duo…I mean * Princess Duo * was known for falling in and out of love with different men.  
  
Duo:…What? Are you trying to say I'm a sl…?  
  
NO!!! I don't mean that. The princess would just…flirt, that's it.  
  
Duo: you mean no hentai?  
  
Yes.  
  
Duo: Damn, I was hoping to get a good make out scene with Heero.  
  
Heero: …What the hell….  
  
Duo: Heh-heh. I'm sorry man, but you're just so beautiful. (He says sarcastically.)  
  
Um…that's just great. BUT…back to what I was saying. The princess was the handsomest…I mean, the most beautiful girl in the land. Everyone wanted to marry her. Especially, Heero Yuy. Heero: I thought I was straight for this one.  
  
You are…it's just Duo's a girl.  
  
Duo: What? Oh no, oh GOD no! (Duo suddenly ran to the nearest…out house. Heero and the author could hear muffled screaming.) AHHHHHH!! Where's Shinigami!? He's GONE!!!!  
  
Heh-heh, I didn't say he was a girl cause he was wearing a skirt. (Evil perverted look)  
  
Duo came out, mortified. He just glared at absolutely nothing, as Heero patted his back pitying him.  
  
Duo: …the world is full of so much evil.  
  
Heero: It'll all be over soon.  
  
Well, now that we know duo's original name for his er… (Author looks to Duo) …his ego, we can continue. Now, in the castle, there also lived a um…a jester. And the jester would do tricks to please the king. Um…jester…that's your cue.  
  
Trowa:…………  
  
Quatre: Trowa says he doesn't want to be a jester.  
  
He's a clone for crying out loud. I thought it would be something he was use to!  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Quatre: He says he's not a clone. He's an *entertainer. *  
  
Um. Trowa, you're a clown!  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Quatre: Entertainer…  
  
Clown!!!!  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Quatre: Entertainer!  
  
I don't care what you are! You could be the pope, but for this fic you ARE GOING TO BE A JESTER!!!! AAARRRGGHHH!!!  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Quatre: He says oh…ok.  
  
SIGH!!! Ok, back to the story. You, see. The thing the king didn't realize was that the jester and the princess had fallen in love. Duo: We what!!!???  
  
You two fell in love. So, anyways, the thing that the princess and the royal jester didn't realize was that Heero Yuy had his eye on the princess as well.  
  
Heero: …You are a sick sick person…  
  
That's not much, coming from you, love! Now, before I was interrupted again, I…  
  
WuFei: AHHHHHHHHHHH!! They're after me! The third graders! They want my bear! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! (WuFei could be seen running around the set in circles waving his arms in the air.)  
  
WuFei, there are no third graders out to get you. Now calm down. The author was suddenly knocked over by WuFei who was running and screaming like mad. Heero was standing in his medieval costume, looking at his bow. The author could have sworn Duo was shouting, and running away from Trowa. Quatre was standing on the royal chair, trying to keep out of the mess on the floor.  
  
OK, that's it! Forget it! I just can't write this with you people being….well (they stared at her, as she tried to finish) … just being you! Argh!!  
  
The author stormed out of the set. All the pilots looked at each other, except for WuFei who was in another room, hiding.  
  
Duo: Was it something we said?  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Quatre: Well, that's true.  
  
Heero: Let's just say this is the end, so we can go home.  
  
Duo: It's back!! Oh joy! Joy upon joy! Oh, if I could kiss you I would. (Duo said to his crotch, as he felt his little * Shinigami * return.)  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Duo: Hm? Oh no, Trowa. Being a girl wasn't much different from being a boy. Although, I do have to admit, being a girl made me realize how much of a cute butt you had, Heero!  
  
Heero: What? (Heero says looking at his bum.) Really?  
  
Duo: Heh-heh.  
  
The End! 


End file.
